Toys for the Big Boys
November 26, 2008
Last Sunday, my Bitter Half, my son Kid Schumacher, and I went to the MANILA AUTO SALON ’08 at the SMX Convention Center at the Mall of Asia.
My kid had a blast!
It was our first time to go see a car show, and it was truly fun. The cars ranged from the vintage to the brand new. But each one had been accessorized, modified, and improved — limited only by the owner’s imagination.
My fave was a black 1959 CHEVY IMPALA — sleek, shiny, sexy. Something you see right off romantic Hollywood movies.
There were Porsche, Ford Mustang, BMW, Mercedes Benz SLR, and many, many more. Truly amazing!
The cars had great audio-visual set-ups. Most had ear-blasting sound systems. Others even had LCD TVs set up in the trunks. Imagine!
Pinoy Fear Factor host Ryan Agoncillo, donning a Yellow Cab crew uniform (most probably his sponsor), even had an entry — his 1997 Mazda.
For a fee of 30 pesos, Kid Schumacher tried the racing simulator of the Tuason Racing School.
And boy, there were countless girls gyrating sexily to the music, wooing guys to their booths. It seems the CAR–WOMAN combo is a norm. You know, it’s like saying that a man who has a hot car can have a hot babe, too. Eew!
KATAM Virus
November 24, 2008
I’ve been sick for weeks… afflicted with the KATAM virus. It’s the virus that afflicts everybody once in a while — or others probably too often for their own good.
KATAM virus — as in the KATAMaran virus. Haha!
It took Rico-J, as in the husband who actually speaks, to bring me out of my malady, and he coerced (haha!) me to list down six random things that make me happy. Here goes:
- Family. My world revolves around my Bitter Half and my darn lovable son Kid Schumacher. It’s always a comfort to come home to my family after a hard day’s work, eat dinner together, share how our day went by, watch our favorite TV shows, eat post-dinner snack (uh, oh… there goes my secret diet!), play rough, and then go to sleepland.
- Work. I’ve been blessed with work that I actually enjoy, pays well, gives me flexi time, and, most importantly, is only a 10-minute tricycle ride from my house. It couldn’t get any better than this.
- Massage. I’ll let you in on a secret. Did you know that I actually couldn’t sleep without getting a full-body massage? Nope, I don’t have a hired masseur — I can’t afford one. My Bitter Half massages me full body every night! The ritual started when I was pregnant. You know how pregnant women make all sorts of kaartehan because they could surely get away with it. Unfortunately for my Bitter Half, it turned into an addiction — and the spoiler couldn’t escape the curse anymore!
- Long baths. I love taking looooooong baths on weekends. I usually take an hour-long bath… enjoying the water, body wash, suds. This is one of my simple joys — and it doesn’t cost a fortune.
- Nilagang mani. Mani, mani… mani, mani. That’s how the neighborhood vendor peddles his goods. It was actually my paternal grandma, Nanay I called her (R.I.P.), who introduced me to eating them — they’re not actually nuts but legumes, which are boiled in water or steamed. Delicious!
- Cooking. Cooking for my family and friends, and seeing them enjoy and appreciate the food that I have cooked simply feel heavenly!
How about you folks? What are the six things that make you happy?
Top 20 Office Rules
November 5, 2008
Rule 1. The Boss is always right.
Rule 2. If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
Rule 3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
Rule 4. PhD stands for “Pull Him Down.” The more intelligent, more hardworking, and more committed is a person, the greater is the number of persons engaged in pulling that person down.
Rule 5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Rule 6. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
Rule 7. It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you are going to do.
Rule 8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Rule 9. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Rule 10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Rule 11. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Rule 12. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Rule 13. Following the rules will not get the job done.
Rule 14. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Rule 15. Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous.”
Rule 16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Rule 17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work you are supposed to be doing.
Rule 18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
Rule 19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
Rule 20. The last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Nipples and Your Hands
November 3, 2008
Friend: “Hey, wifey is in labor. Gosh, I feel so helpless just standing in there watching her grimace in pain!”
Me: “Oh, of course you can do something.”
Friend: “What?”
Me: “Stimulate her nipples.”
Friend: “Oh c’mon, I’m serious, and I’m nervous. Don’t be such an a**!”
OF COURSE, I’M NOT AN A**.
When a woman is in labor, it is advised that her nipples be stimulated.
Stimulation of the nipples sends signals to the brain that induce the release of oxytocin — a hormone that then stimulates the uterus to contract, helping expel the fetus out of the womb.
(This is also the same mechanism that stimulates the uterus to contract when a woman breastfeeds her child [hudband even] after childbirth, hastening the return of the uterus to its pre-pregnant state.)
Oxytocin (Pitocin) is the same hormone/drug that is injected into a pregnant woman to induce labor and to hasten uterine contraction.
Ask your doctor about it.
Men, don’t just stand in there. Do something… this time you have a perfect excuse to do it.
Ladies, now, don’t you wish you were pregnant?
Housemate
November 1, 2008
My departed questor/healer uncle once told me that everybody has an extrasensory perception (ESP) or third eye. But others simply have more powerful ESP — those who are truly gifted. He believed I was one of those. He could sense it, he said, and the mole in my eye was a magnificent window to seeing the great beyond.
I remember when I was 7 years old, he would ask me to come with him, read and explain to me verses of the bible, and show me tricks — such as bending the spoon just by looking at it, making the glass walk across the table, levitate, and what have you — probably to lure me into opening my third eye.
It made my mom very furious! She told my uncle to leave me alone and let me live a normal life.
As I grew up, he would, from time to time, ask me if I was ready to open my gift. But I was never ready, never will be.
But he said, “You can’t turn away from it completely. Though you refuse to open it fully and refuse to acknowledge it, you will see strange things once in a while.”
He was darn right.
I’ve seen several in my lifetime. One of them a boy, probably a 5-year-old, in white T-shirt. This boy lives in our home. Yes, he lives with us and doesn’t go away. I’ve seen him opening the faucet, running at the garage, and even blowing off the light from the candle that I lit for All Souls’ Day 2 years ago.
When I first saw him running, I thought he was one of my son Kid Schumacher’s friends. Except that he suddenly disappeared into thin air.
He causes no harm though. And I’m the only one who sees him.
I think it’s just a matter of getting used to him being around — and being a nice housemate to him, lest he scares me out of my mind.
How about you… who’s that housemate standing right beside you?
